The Feeling of Fighting for Your Day (Monday Rant 9/14/2020)
I feal that most of my writing comes out at spontaneous times when I am feeling the most. I almost rely on these deep-rooted waves of emotions to take over to kick my ass into writing. Probably not the most healthy way to be since I would like to write all the time and waiting for those shitty feelings to kick in is no way to live. This is something I am working on but for now, it is what it is.
At the moment my wave of emotion is one of a fight, I have actually been feeling this way for a couple of weeks now and I feel the wave is getting ready to break. The wave cannot break, I cannot let it break as the undertow would be far too much to handle right now.
This is all a sign for me to dig in, throw on my headphones to fight through the day, workout as much as I can, and try to get all the emotions out in some way or another as to not bother anyone no matter how much it makes me want to puke.
I am working with a doctor to make this less draining but I feel that I am going to be left in the lurch as I might not fit some kind of mold that explains what I need. I need to take control of my health which is hard as when it comes to doctors I have no idea how to deal with them, I get the feeling that they are the higher power of authority in my own health care journey and I am under their control.
My job during the day is a complete roller coaster ride as to me I feel we are all a mess during this pandemic and everyone has personal issues to deal with while we try to take on as much as we can as a company. Mixed signals all day every day keeps you guessing, really confused, and stuck in a holding pattern that keeps you riding the edge of the emotional wave waiting until it breaks.
I cannot let it break. I cannot personally deal with this shit feeling any longer, I cannot be the burden to my family all because I have feelings. It is a chaotic year and I am the weak link in the armor for those around me and that just cannot be. That is not the way it is supposed to be. I need to toughen up and focus on how the heck I can get out of this mess of myself and just make shit happen that is positive for all those around me.
A big fear is how to dive headlong into something without overloading myself? I feel I am already in a fragile state (ugh I hate writing that, Fragile State). I have a feeling that I know what to do, which is to embrace everything about me, fully and unapologetically, and just promote the hell out of what I am doing to try to fix myself or in other terms get to a better place mentally.
In the end, it is just all work that needs to be done but it feels like there is a lot to do, an overwhelmingly lot to do, and at 40 what the fuck have I been doing with my time all these years. Either way, it is time to dive in and fight for the day.
Reach out if this sounds or feels like something you may relate to, lets start a tribe and fight back against our inner demons.
