The Mornings Just Suck (at least this one does)
The worst part of the day is when you open your eyes for the first time realizing that the dream that you were having was all a lie your brain was telling you.
I am not a fan of the mornings.
I do not have a morning routine like many people say you should have. I simply awake to the sound of the day crashing upon me like a pallet of heavy barrels from the top shelf of the warehouse falling to the ground because some jackass did not secure them properly. Oh, by the way, that jackass was me.
I am sure I am my own worst enemy when it comes to the feeling of existential dread in the morning, but with enough medications and a little more than I need of some, I am able to get through the day at a full speed ahead mode only to get thrust into other responsibilities.
These other more important responsibilities, which should I feel to be the most important of them all always seem to be put on the back burner of actual fulfillment, as though it would not matter if I was here or not.
When I try to break it down to its simplest form I wonder what my purpose is here. I am told I am surrounded by a network of people that are here to help me but I do not feel that in my own house as there is so much going on in the house, albeit I feel that there is nothing going on in the house other than sitting and being entertained.
I need that network here, with me. I need support. If I am as important to people who think I am important to them where are they. I now don’t always ask for help, which may be my problem and the last thing I want to do is burden people with the way I feel but fuck it is really hard to go through this alone surrounded by a crowd of people.
It feels like I am always on the move, and trying to do my best to provide for all those around me. Don't get me wrong I take advantage of the crops of cash that I reap but I always put it back into things that I try to help to help me get through the day. I have become the maser of self-medication using everything I can without diving deep into the underbelly of the world of illicit substances. No need for that shit, I will just stay surface level when it comes to that as I know the problems that the world causes.
Sometimes I just sit and look into the mirror and wonder about what life could have been. I am not talking about changing my surroundings but I am talking about changing the fact that I am a giant pussy and cannot get my shit together for real in order to do things that will actually make me happy.
I am conflicted between what I am seeing being done to make money and the world that I live in.
At this point, I believe I just need to get over myself and embrace the suck.
I think that is the only thing I have yet to really try to be perfectly honest, embracing the suck.
I guess it may be time to give it a try , what do I have to loose .
